Gabby’s Paradise

Today I met one of my old time friend, Greg from Manila in a mall in Orchard road. I haven’t seen him in a while not because we didn’t have the time but I have a feeling that we had a falling out of some sort. When he was ‘fresh off the boat’ from Manila, I was being the super helpful friend to give him the best tips to know the best places, meet the best people, etc. but he wanted to do things his own way. Well, in the end I was not able to help him a lot but thankfully, he found his own way of understanding Singapore. He has been here since early of this year but since that time, we’ve only met twice. This is the second time. While I was talking to Greg, I found it quite intriguing that most of the time we could not look directly at each other because of some unexplained discomfort. Its like talking to someone you had a bad history with and just wanted to get things over and done with. I found it a very unusual conversation like I was constantly in the urge of thinking what I should talk about - typically not the case with good friends.

I was surprised that he has become a home buddy and he doesn’t go out that much, as I once knew him. He has become more tame in his spending while I have become more of a spender than I previously was. He was letting things flow while I was harnessing the elements as I move along the path of life, and with so many other things that I noticed, it seemed to me that Greg and I had now come to a point of bi-polar differences. I found it very surprising, in a way that made me think what ever happened to the friend I knew.

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As I was wondering, another incident flashed through my mind while I was on my way home. I remember when I was in the University, I was eager for life. With this eagerness came the desire for love well. If you knew me back then, I must think you would know that I had my fair share of those kind. I remember that I loved one person intensely at that time. Just one that really made my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. And boy, was I intense. Seemingly, as I look back at that time, I knew what love really meant and how I should live my life. There was this constant excitement, a constant anticipation of every morning at that time when I was in love. Simple hugs meant eternal happiness and the first kiss will forever be etched in my mind.

A perfected move of grace

At present, I know now how smiles can have charming effects and honest but well thought of wording can give anyone a blush. I know now of the power of imagery, the power of movement and the effects of intensity to people. Love is slowly becoming more of a practiced waltz, where movements of the other, I will answer with a perfect grip of the hips and a steady hand to guide the next move. I am getting to know this dance well. But knowing this dance I suddenly ask myself what ever happened to sheer excitement? What ever happened to the unpredictability of the unknown step and that graceful fall to the floor when we trip at our own misstep?

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As we mature, we realize that there are things in life that will supercede what we believed in when we were younger. Friends will never be the same people because we follow different paths and our minds will work in a different way in the infinitesimal different permutations of choice and experiences. Love will not always be what we imagined it to be and a lot of people live half empty or half full lives depending on the observer. Only a few will become perfectly happy in their lives. Some people just settle to a life of almost happiness and give up childhood dreams to live in the real world.

We do get older. Wiser, I don’t know but more adept and practiced to life, indeed we do. We can never go back to the past where life is seen with new eyes and friendship is a pact written in stone. Ideal love will soon be as it is - an abstract concept that can never really be achieved but we make the best out of what we have.

Biting the apple to knowledge and awakening to shame

This is a sad blog. To realize that idealism becomes blurrry when you get older is a scary thought. It will not just be about love and friendship but in so many aspects of our lives, we will realize things that will crumble our ideas of perfection and we suddeny open our eyes and see that life is like that. Its real. I guess I should end this one not with hope, because it defeats the purpose of the blog but with a certain amount of embarassment like the one that adam and eve got when they ate the apple in the garden of eve. I am ashamed that no optimism is in me tonight and even though most of the time I am high spirited in the end, I have a certain gloom that life will have lots of moments that I will have to accept imperfection and settle to just saying, “Thats how it is.”

Do I really have to settle for that?